The Beginning of the Edge

I have not publicly written much about where we were before we began biomed. I have thought about why that is and I think I have finally figured it out. It’s because it’s painful. Those days were sad for us. And part of me never wants to go back there. I chose to remember the good moments I had with my son back then. But in my heart I know it was not all good. I have to focus really hard to retrieve those memories.

Even today, it’s hard to talk about them. My son was born in late 2002. He was a post 9/11 baby. Conceived just months after this national disaster. My pregnancy was a bit rough just like the first one but I was careful, avoided vaccines, medications and took care of myself. I was ready to do the “mommy thing” again, even though my first-born was well out of diapers and off to school. We had my son without complication and brought home this beautiful big-eyed baby boy. He loved to be swaddled and snuggle in your arms. He fed well, he slept well.

I spent the first few months of his life caring from him around the clock. Holding him, rocking him, sniffing his sweet head for that “baby smell”. I marveled at his tiny toes and his “pouty lip” he’d make when he cried. I had no problem adjusting to being a mommy of two! As we neared 2 months of age he was sleeping 4-6 hours at night, he was eating every 4 hours. He was generally happy. He had learned to smile, he could hold up his own head and play with his hands. I used to love the mornings I would take him in the shower with me and hold him on my chest while the water gently splashed his back. He would put out his tongue to lick the drops and stare quietly up at me. He was so calm in the water. But low did I know I would spent the next 9 years caring for him around clock.

For as long as I can remember, I always dreaded the well-baby visits with my first-born. It didn’t change with the second. I always felt this overwhelming urge to skip the appointment, drive right past the place or just call and cancel it. I still had a pit in my stomach that morning as I packed the diaper bag and prepared for his appointment. I wish I had listened to that “pit in my stomach”. This was my instinct trying to tell me to protect my baby.

We went for his 2 month check up. He was growing very well.  He had gained almost 7 pounds since birth in just 8 weeks. However, everything seemed to change after that appointment that day. He received the following vaccines that day: DTaP, Prevnar, Hib/Hep,  and IPV.  (diptheria, tetanus, pertussis, pneumoccocal, Haemophilus influenzae, Hepatitis B, and polio).

Things really changed after this. My son wouldn’t sleep at night anymore. He screamed instead. You could not put him down at all.  He fussed most of the evening and he would not sleep alone in his bassinet. This began months of being up most of the night with him. He ate erratically, and not much seemed to calm him.   My husband was trying to sleep because he worked all day and I was left to try to soothe my son’s misery both day and night.  My son’s only solace was to be swaddled tightly in a blanket and rocked at a fast pace all night. I did it. I learned to sleep with my eyes open while rocking. I had too. And sometimes, I could still calm him in the shower.

I looked back at his baby book and it reports that at 3 months his hair was falling out. He had developed a thin spot. He  had a skin rash. He got his first cold. He became fussy. No doubt the result of the chemicals he received in those vaccines.  I did not learn until later years and from watching my un-vaccinated nieces and nephews develop that their hair doesn’t fall out at 3 months. The did not get bald spots or rashes.

My son did seem to settle down a bit until his 4 month vaccinations which flared it all up again.  I wish I had known what a vaccine reaction was or looked like back then. You always read things like seizures, high fevers, high-pitched screaming. No one said anything about low fevers, crying, fussing, not sleeping, rashes, hair loss. Or a change in your infant’s personality. Oh the things I wish I knew then!

I am thankful that I never gave my son Tylenol before a vaccination visit. They told us to give it ahead of time to minimize discomfort and prevent a fever. I always thought there was no point in giving medication for symptoms we didn’t have yet.  That turned out to be a wise choice, since Tylenol suppresses liver function and would impeded removal of the vaccine chemicals from the body.


Boy (Photo credit: AfghanistanMatters)

In any case, this began our journey. People will say I am crazy but I swear my son was never the same after that first bout of vaccinations. As we went through infancy and toddler hood, he displayed rather odd behaviors. And the final straw for me was the reaction to his last vaccination. He had a DTaP in 2004 at age 18 months. Within days of that I noticed that my son began avoiding eye contact.

I will never forget this day. I was sitting on the couch next to the end table. My son was standing there playing with some small toy on the table. I was talking to him with eye contact as I always do to small children. My son tilted his head and averted my gaze. I got a chill down my spine. I continued to try to make eye contact with him by moving my head and talking with him. He tilted his head again and looked at me from the sides of his eyes. I have never seen him do that, ever.

I felt a lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach, and sheer dread. I knew that was a sign of autism.  I was in shock and continued to watch him over the coming weeks. He still continued to use side ward gazes for eye contact.  My son was more withdrawn and less interactive with us. All he wanted to do was lay in his playpen and watch Blues Clues over and over again.  I do believe this last shot was the final toxic tipping point for him. He already had symptoms that I noted around age 16 months following the MMR/Varivax. But this one took his eye contact from us. And this one began our descent.

The coming year or two my son developed odd quirks, behaviors, and so on that didn’t fit the normal development of children. By the time he was 3 years old I knew we were on the Edge of Autism. I still to this day believe that if I had continued to fully vaccinate him he would  have become much more severe. I think tuning into my gut and refusing further vaccination saved him from more damage.

I know that not all children who have autism, have a vaccine reaction or are even vaccinated. Some of them are not.  But what I do see is that they also have toxic hair tests just like my son did.  There is more than a coincidence that metals do “something” to our children. And that not all children survive toxic assaults unscathed.

Since then I have spent the majority of my time recovering him.


One thought on “The Beginning of the Edge

  1. Pingback: The beginning of my son’s autism | The Edge of Autism

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